MEMOIRS OF LION

this picture was taken a month ago, you were doing all well. But today, you are no longer with us. Why are you in such a hurry, Lion? I never expect that I will never see you again. You were suffering from fleas about two weeks ago. I thought that the injection might got you recovered, but unfortunately, subsequently the vet told us that you have liver failure and heart problem. When he decided to send you away in peace, I just.... wish to see you before you leave. I wish I wasn't being in KL during that critical moment. Your godmother misses you very much, do you know that?

remember when you first came into the family in 2007? you were just like a lion cub. that's where I got your name from.

you were full of curiosity about things around you. you wondered who were these humans around posing?

you love sticking your legs up on the cage seeing what we were doing around you...

your moment of cuteness

that's your favorite spot of the house that you can't help laying all day..

I'm sorry to letting you down sometimes when I told you that I was too busy to spend time with you. I never had the chance to do that again. 

"In the end, life is an act of letting go, but what always hurts the most is not taking a moment to say goodbye..."

May you find peace in your next life, and we will always miss you Lion. Please, remember us, remember me.

COMPLICATION

shitty feeling of letting the past running in my mind

LOSING CONTROL

It's the moment when you realized what you have achieved so far was not good enough, and unfortunately you need to walk over it and think optimistically. I mean, that's the difficulty one architecture student would face all the time in their projects. 

There's always too short for all you could achieved, always. Even though you have avoided procrastination at your very best, skipping gyms and entertainments, spending days and nights for your work in the room and library, and you thought you've managed to complete all your materials ideally. Then comes the real challenge of pleasing your invigilators and YOURSELF with your work. 

I think it is clear I didn't do as well as I expected, or maybe I just can't handle critics. There was the moment I was wondering why it was so hard to convince the idea, to deliver something which I was told it could be further explored. I always have this problem when I rearranged my statements to support my design, and then resulted the relationship of them had somehow varnished. The program ended up great, but didn't response with the design successfully. 

Slowly, it became clear that I am lacking of something. Something fundamental yet as crucial as failing the brief: value. I could have designed a successful piece of architecture if I don't think  my design ecologically and economically. If I am not bother about creating beautiful things that serves no purpose, design super high towers that cost hell out of money that serves one purpose, yes I would have those inputs to create a better, care-free design. I should have let myself go freely, sometimes at least, not to finalize the thoughts immediately then things could have ended up in a very different way.

So here you go, a journey of losing control and self-evaluation. Nevertheless, it has been a good learning process when you get to observe some of the peers who achieved what I had mentioned earlier. I wish that I would had making myself proud out of all those handmade models and endless renderings and calculations.

Let the journey goes on.   

过不去了

这应该是我目前为止最不想出现的一篇文章。空空的蜂蜜玻璃瓶，螺旋形的灰色云端，是一种心里的反射。熬了一身伤，拖着那身躯，背对着瓶子默默离开了。一直被期待灌满蜂蜜的瓶子，却一直也没再发生过。

第三个守护者，不知道从何时已展开翅膀，往另一个方向翱翔去了。为何会这样？应该也没人真正知道原因。随着时间久了，能变的都已经变了；那些曾经守候的承偌也变得如此的渺小，如此的不堪一击。最为可惜的是，你已经没有要挽回的心。

不知何时开始，我们开始兜着圈子，聊天变得如此的客气。最后一次视频也都忘记是什么时候。我开始制止自己不要对你太执着，不要让你觉得有压力，也许这就是问题始源吧。想你的时候，也只能逛逛你的脸书，看看以前的对话记录。那些你对我说的甜言蜜语停留在文字里的框框，它们变成了一种我能拥有的奢侈回忆，你的声音，你的撒娇，好美好甜。

“我们分开吧”

“如果你爱他，就让他飞翔；如果他回来，你们就是注定在一起的” 

我这么和蜜蜂说了。我宁愿当个坏人对你说这一席话，因为我不忍心的要你一直被我的事情缠绕着，影响了你的工作，生活，还有睡觉的时间。我觉得自己很自私，自私的想从你身上博取多一点的时间，多一点的爱，多一点的心思去经营我们的感情。但我没想过你真正的想法是什么。

我们曾经有个梦等待着我们，也许我们来不及去实现它，但愿我的出现能为你留下一些好的痕迹。

哭了，疼了，也都该爬起来继续努力为自己而活。如果你在看这篇文章，我想对你说：“现在的我学着你最爱的开朗，几天后的我把回忆打包起来了，重新生活。我希望你能继续为那些你和我说过的目标奋斗，还有那些在你生日说过的祝福都能心想事成。踏实的往前冲刺。对不起，我可能拖垮了你的脚步，之前说过伤害你的话，我感到非常抱歉。希望你能原谅我。最后的最后，谢谢你。感恩那些你曾经对我的每一分关心和付出， 谢谢你在我一个人独处英国时的陪伴。或许我们在未来还能当彼此的守护者，无论如何，我想让你知道，你是我目前最开心能遇见到的一个守护爱的人。”

后会有期。你要好好过。

ARGUING IS A PART OF LOVE

We had an undeniably harsh night yesterday. It was a tough night for me to withstand everything from Bee, at some point, in a difficult situation. Our conversation always started with something good, but then when it goes on, things got pretty bad and most of the time I didn't see them coming. 

My initial intention was to have a good chat with Bee over the phone, and I told Bee that I wish I could understand Bee better. I feel our hearts get little closer everytime when we speak to each other, it always feels great. Then, out of sudden, we bombarded each other with things in our mind which had been bothering us. 

Well, it is perhaps a process of a relationship, especially when two are having tough situations in terms of distance and time. Arguing is hurtful, but necessary. Because most of the time we understand each other better after a fight. We could see how he/she thinks, act, behave and most importantly, his/her use of words. I embraced things that Bee told me during the fight, because it shows how much Bee cares and how much Bee is willing to give on us. Whether they are right or wrong, they don't matter as much because no one understand the situation better then myself.

Back to the main points that we have discussed, Bee emphasized on me still being too pessimistic and always acted emotionally. Sometimes it was difficult to explain the whole picture to Bee over text, so I decided to keep quiet and just saying 'sorry', I am tired of explaining, and sometimes it doesn't work as much. To a point I agreed on what Bee had said to me, spreading bad things to your couple is bad, life has been tough, and they shouldn't come from their partner too. But then, does it mean we should only spread happiness and good things to our partner and leave the bad ones to ourself? As what I see couples should embrace the good and bad together. The emotions, the spiritual therapy, because to me, these are the most precious thing we could get from love, the care and being comforted.

In general, we know that we are always different in perception, thinking, and how we see things. Those are the differences of a baby boomer and a gen Y, a sales manager and a student. I have no clue of what I have been doing is right or wrong. Hoping for the best.